A,B,C's of Small Groups

My job brought us to New Jersey from the midwest in 1996. After we visited many churches over a one year period, we found Princeton Alliance Church in December 1997 and quickly decided this was the church for us. We joined PAC in early 1997. We got involved in a small group shortly afterwards. We met Bill and Tia Smallwood who invited us to join a new small group led by them. Bill and Tia have a real gift of making new people feel at home. It was in this small group that I eventually met Bill Clark who became one of my closest friends at that time. Bill and I had many rich discussions and I grew from our friendship and time we spent together. At the time I was completing my first career of 32 years and many times was able to use much of what Bill and I discussed in company employee meetings (my job then was to lead a company business unit of 1100 people).

One of Bill and my discussions centered on man's deepest need to be fully known and fully loved. The problem man faces is that if he believes that when he is fully known, he won't be fully loved because peple will know his faults and shortcomings and not love him. We crafted these thoughts in the document below based on these discussions.

"The A,B,C's of community in small groups are Authenticity, Belonging, and Caring.

Authenticity - is our basic desire to be fully known.

Belonging - is our basic need to be a part of something bigger than our selves so that, interacting with others, we can learn about our selves and receive:

Caring - we need to know that we are considered precious by others. We need to be loved.

The problem is that, on our own, we can get this exactly backwards. We start to think that if we are authentic - if people come to know us for who we really are - they will reject us. We will not Belong, and if we don't belong, we will not be loved. So from a human perspective, we see a conflict between being authentic and being loved.

But the good news is... Jesus fully knows us AND fully loves us - enough to die for us on the cross. And once we really accept the grace provided by the cross we can begin to be authentic with God. We can stop pretending that we can be good enough and accept the fact that through Him we truly Belong in the Kingdom of Heaven. In that security we can ask God to help us see ourselves - authentically.

So with Jesus, the Love comes first, when we accept this unconditional love, Belonging and Authenticity follows.

So why do we need community? Because when we are alone, we fall back into human conventions. Like thinking that A comes before B and B before C. Even when we come here for corporate worship - we put on our best clothes and we tend to leave all the stuff that needs to be brought before God at home in closets. We're afraid to bring that stuff here because if we did, we might not Belong. And, as a result, we might not be loved.

So what we need is a place that's modeled on God's A,B,C's of community - not ours. Where the Caring comes first and the sense of Belonging follows. Together, these create an environment in which it is safe for us to be Authentic. And here's the good part - at this point a feedback loop kicks in - when a more authentic version of you is loved (even while being held accountable), you really feel like you belong and this allows you to be even more authentic, and when this version of you is loved, you belong even more..

When this upward spiral takes place lives are transformed as we grow in Christ, together. I believe that this spiral occurs more easily in small groups than in large ones and it occurs most easily in small groups where the caring - unconditional caring - comes first. So, if you are not in a small group, get in one. If you are in a small group, do what you can to make the caring come first. You'll be amazed at what happens next.

Bill Clark and Pat Colgan
October 2000"